I think I died a long time ago.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
cat food counts as protein by the way
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.