WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
