I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.