I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
