No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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