Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
