who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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