He had one of those small greek statue penises
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
