I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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