I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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