I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
