im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
