I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize