My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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