i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
