...so i touched it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
