Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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