She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This baby is an asshole
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
