There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
