Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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