when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
