I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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