My first STD was from a foam party
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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