I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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