i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
