my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
God, I missed his penis.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
