the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
