Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
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My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
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I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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