Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
