i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
