I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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