I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize