we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
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I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
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Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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