$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
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sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
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Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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