Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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