Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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