Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
