So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
