If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
