At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
