Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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