Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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