new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he quoted the bible to break up with me
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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