you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
