dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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