M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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