Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
