I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
