how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
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He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
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i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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