if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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