We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
