I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
