drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
