He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
