A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
