I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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