What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
