Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
