You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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