kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
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