I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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