If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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