either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
