I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
