I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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